Abu Dhabi Off-Road Club Forums

Some newly married friends were chatting when the topic of children came up.

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, you'd better love the third one as if it's your own."

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' ....

....so, here we are!"

— boy, I need some onion
— sorry, mam, we don't have onion at the moment
— I don't care, I need some onion
— but mam, we don't have onion in the market right now
— you don't understand me, I need some onion
— well, mam, lets check your english. How many letters "p" in the word "apple"?
— two
— right, mam. and how many letters "t" in the word "letter"?
— two
— right mam. and how many "f**ck" in the word "onion"?
— but there is no "f**ck" in "onion"
— right, mam, there is no f**ckin onion

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A naked & drunken woman boards a cab in NY. Driver of the cab, an Indian, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab.

Woman: Haven't you seen a naked woman before?

Indian : Cool it ma'am. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering where you have kept the money to pay me?

desert_hawk wrote:Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Too good!


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desert_hawk wrote:Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

LIKE...

One Friday a man decided not to go home, rather to stay out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's pay.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife, who shouted and yelled for nearly two hours about how irresponsible he was. Finally when she stopped, she said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
So Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Some work related jokes ...

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"I know this great UDP joke but you might not get it"

---------------

An IPv4 address space walks into a bar: "A strong CIDR please. I'm
exhausted."

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IPv6 walks into a bar, ordered something to drink, but nobody understood
him.

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So, this SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house,
Irish, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor...

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- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
very long pause
- Java.

MalteJK wrote:Some work related jokes ...

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LOOOOL those are too geeky!!

All jokes in this corner are great.. Glad the thread was revived

Ok, here is one for Malte:

One day a frog called out to a man, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." But the man just bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog said, "If you turn me back into a princess, I will be yours for a week." The man smiled at the frog, but did nothing.
The frog cried,"If you turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a Year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the same reaction.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll be yours for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

good one @smiley

here is another one :

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."




_______another one___:

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

excellent!